Tayyaba Joyia's blog

My illness and me (1)

My life had been very difficult from my childhood and at the same
time, it was very comfortable too. I was such a child whose every
uttered word was fulfilled so i can call it a normal childhood but
still i believe that there unforgettable times even in a normal life.
Its the same with me. There are such times in my life that i can never
ever forget. Those images, those words, the people, the sounds, the
scenes all are sewed in my memories.
Out of those unforgettable times, nights are the most important and
dominant only because of my illness.
I used to remain very very ill in my childhood. Out of twelve months,
i used to remain healthy for five months and other seven months, i was
always & always ill. And in those times, some of the nights are
'memories forever' for me.
When i was very very young when i was a newcomer in this world, my
grandmother used to look after me. I was too young so i don't remember
everything exactly of that phase of my life as my mother says i was 6
days old when i had a first asthma attack. So obviously i don't
remember that time that what exactly happened to me and how i
survived. Then comes the phase of my life when i was about 4 to 5
years old. The images of that time are a bit blurred but still there
are some images in my mind that are mostly of nights. THE NIGHTS! The
dim light of smallest red color bulb. I remember all the things in
that light. The room setting, my combined bed with grandmother, my
medicine at one side of the room, my trunk that was kept beneath the
bed and it was always filled with 'mitchells' candies, my pencils,
rubber and sharpeners, my little school bag and obviously my
grandmother who used to wake me up thrice in those nights and take me
washroom so that i don't spoil the bed. I didn't like it at that time
and used to show so much attitude and mood while going there and even
coming back but she was so humble and kind that she never minded. She
used to remain awake all the nights with me whenever i caught cold or
had asthma. My winter nights were always very horrible. I used to have
so many sweaters and jumpers even when i was in blanket. I hated that
time when i was given steam and kept covered for the next atleast
fifteen minutes. But obviously it was for my betterment.
Then comes the third phase of my life when my pupho (Hajra's mother)
was my caretaker after my "daadi amman's" death. These memories are
more clearer. I used to have very bad cough throughout the night. All
the cousins used to get much irritated from it. My pupho used to sleep
with me in a separate room for some specific reasons 1. To keep me
away from AC in summers or to keep the heaters on for me. 2. So that
all others don't get disturbed by my loud cough and other sick voices
:-P because i always call my grandmother in pain and still i do the
same. unlike others i don't say ami!!! Or mama!!! In shock or pain i
still call amman g!!! Because my grandmother was the first person who
solved all my problems and the feelings of her touch of affection are
still saved in me.
I remember my cousin amna baji used to get so irritated from my
sickness that once or twice at night she sticked the bottle of syrup
with my mouth when pupho wasn't there. She never allowed me to eat
rice or any such thing. She was so strict with me. I used to fear her
like nothing else. Its from my childhood that i choose sweet things
for me. No lemon, no cold drinks, Nothing spicy or sour was allowed
to me. I always used to have 'parhezi khaana' but still i never
recovered fully. Yakhni, soup, biscuits were my diet or the chocolates
(at school from my pocket money). Doctors always explained my mother,
my grandma and pupho that i'll be getting better with the passage of
time i.e. Age factor is involved in recovering and i always wanted to
grow old asap. I wanted the time to run fast so that i become a normal
girl. Free from any sickness.
Then comes the next phase when i went hostel. I spent the toughest
time there. I remember once i got very seriously ill at night but only
sid and zebi were with me. I was badly vomiting, had high fever but
there was no one who could take me to the doctor at 1o'clock. I
remember i forced sid to go and call ami. She told me very kindly that
its too late but i insisted her to tell ami to come soon. I knew sid
can't go pco at this time but i was in so much pain that i was
fighting with her. She remained very loving. I salute her patience for
that night and at 5am, she jumped the gate and went at the nearby
neighbours to call ami and i still remember my mother arrived there at
6am. My all hostel mates were so caring and loving i cant return them
throughout my life.
Then comes the time when i came university. The.....

Aitbaar ka tootna ik bar

Aitbaar ka tootna ik bar hi kafi tha,

ye bar bar himmat mat azma.

ab to rahen hi nh dikhtin,

shayed tera mera safar itna hi tha.

Daily

I get a new pain daily. And at the same time, i get a new idea to
spend my life without some people. Sometimes i feel i can't resist.
But i daily feel that i can live like this. I'll heal soon. Lets see
what happens. Personally i wish not to get indulged in such feelings
again. The reason is that they always end with pain and tears. I won't
chose hell for me once again in front of my eyes!!
Some people are so strong or in other words they are very hard that
they don't care what's happening due to them. So i try not to feel in
my heart for such individuals who caused intense depression for me but
i can't change myself so easily. It'll take time. But obviously i'll
be normal soon. Here i'll quote these urdu lines:
kab koun kisi ka hota he,
sub jhoote rishte naate hen.
Sub dil rakhne ki baten hen,
sub asli roop chupate hen.
Insaaf se khaali log yahan nazron k teer chalate hen.
I know the lines aren't out of world. Neither so hard to understand.
But no doubt very very true!!

Morning!

Its a new day of my life. A new morning. A new sun and most obviously
newest as well as highest hopes!
My life isn't that beautiful, amazing or colorful in these days but i
never lose hope and i never will.
Whenever i open my eyes at morning, there are few things that i must
think daily. Some considerations and hopes are a part of my life now
that i must take into account no matter whatever the issue is. For
example these days i think too much about a friend whom i can't name
here. Secondly, i'm having big dreams to buy some dresses for sid's
wedding. Thirdly, i'm planning much for seroo's wedding. Her wedding
gift. The fun. Then comes the finances. These days i'm facing
financial crises! I remain so restless for my father. He's the man for
whom i remain very very very sensitive. I'm so thankful to him. My all
happiness is linked with him. I wish i could honour him as i dream. He
deserves something extraordinary. I think about my mother. She's a bit
ill. I think about my brother and always pray for him. I'm much
conscious for his near future. I hope my dreams related to him will
come true. I pray for my sister that she spends a happy marital life
and all the things for her wedding must happen as she wants.
To be true i wish nothing for me. I always pray Allah that i put all
my future and decisions upto you. I know Allah will make the things
happen in the best way for me.
Most of all, when i get up, i feel so hungry. I always sleep with the
hope and thoughts that i'll wake up and eat something that i wish.
From all of my meals, breakfast is my favorite and attractive although
there's no specific logic behind this but its a fact. When i open my
eyes, its one of the must thoughts to plan what breakfast i'll be
having today. Or what to eat. I don't like same breakfast always. I
love variations for it. And i like all types of things in my
breakfast. Some people say we like light others say we like heavy
breakfast. I like both. People make wishes for the lunch and dinner
that today i've a mood to eat this or to have these things to change
my taste! But i always demand for breakfast. Obviously sometimes i do
like changes in other foods and usually these are changed daily but
people normally eat same food in breakfast. Sometimes i wish to have
paratha or a yogurt but sometimes i want to eat only weetabix or
oatabix. And even cornflakes. Sometimes i demand halwa puri or i love
to eat a piece of break at times! I tell my mother to make choori for
me and sometimes i like eating bunny's cake. Sometimes i eat chapati
with curry and at times i eat french toasts. The ingredients for my
egg are usually changed. I eat rice too! And all These variations in
wishes for breakfast are based on daily basis. Not after months.
Whenever i wish to go somewhere else for breakfast i convince my
friends to lets go and have a fun time and we really make it happen.
Well, i'm going to have a breakfast now :-) today i wish something
sweet with a cup of tea.
Actually i'm not one of those who are very very active. Although i'm
normal but my boom time comes after breakfast. So i need that now

Tumhen samaj kyun nahin aata??

I think much more than my past and i won't say that i don't know why!!
I know all the reasons. I know it whenever a change occurs in my life.
Even right from the beginning when the change is taking place. Whether
its somewhere around me or within me.
I am so much changed. Thats true. Everyone says that. And the reasons
are millions but most important of them are related to one person who
is too strong, indifferent to everything. At this time, it might be
good and very exciting but in long term, its not much fruitful. I
still pray for that person its not at all a favor. Reality is that i
wish happiness for you.
Now coming to my change, as i already accepted that i'm changed, i
personally i hate that. Its unwanted but i couldn't overcome it.
Whenever i think about the person who's responsible for it, i think
why you don't understand it!! I have been hurt so many times so i am
changed in trying to cope with my unhappy, depressed and guilty
tensions. When something happens again and again and keeps occuring,
its a human nature to try to become resistant to that or become
stronger enough not to face it abnormally. I did the same. I am girl
with a heart that tries to have soft feelings for everyone but it has
to end one day when we're hurt too much. When any of our friends
doesn't care. But some people can never understand that. They've their
own stock of ideas and thoughts for measuring but truth is different.
They don't try to understand it. They remain resistant and i always
think: tumhen samaj kyun nh aata k mera dil dukha he!! Tumhen khud hi
se is bat ki samaj kyun nahin hota k tum ne muje dukh da diya he, gham
khawar kar diya he, mera dil tor diya he muje kahani bana diya he . .
. (continued. . .)

My favorite stanza

Wo shakhs phela to meri zeest ka unwaan ban gaya,

or simta to mehaz ik naam me tabdeel ho gaya!!

Poet: Anonymous

Holy book of Allah

The Holy book of Allah, the Quran, is not the work of a man, nor is it
the collected thoughts or opinions of wise men through the ages. It is
the "word" of the Almighty God (Allah), The Creator, and the Lord of
the universe. It is the perfect revelation to mankind. Though called
and treated as a book, the Quran is not a book in the ordinary sense
of the word. It is neither a treatise nor a dissertation on a
particular theme; nor it is a book on religion.

Experts of the Arabic language continue to marvel at the beautiful
prose in which Quran is worded. But it is not merely a literary
masterpiece. The Quran contains scientific facts and explanations that
fascinate scientific of all fields. Yet it is not an encyclopedia of
science. The Quran mentions stories of people and places in the past
with vivid detail. And yet it is not also merely a book of history.
The subject matter of Quran is "man" (human beings) and it discusses
those aspects of his life which lead to his REAL success or failure.
The central theme that runs through the Quran is the exposition of
"Reality" with the aim of inviting human beings to the "Right Path".

Its purpose is not simply to inform or to convince but to mould and
transform. As such, it tries simultaneously to inform, to persuade, to
convince, to motive and to mobilize men and woman to fulfill their
mission in life.

By: Naeemullah

Poetry

Silsilay torr gaya wo sabhi jatay jatay. . .
Warna itne to marasim the k aatay jatay.
Shikwa-e-zulmat-e-shab se to kaheen behtar tha. . .
Apnay hissay ki koi shama jalatay jatay.
Kitna asaan tha tere hijar me marna jaana. . .
Phir bi ik umar lagi jan se jatay jatay.
Jashan mutkil hi na barpa hua warna ham bi. . .
Pabajolaan hi sahi nachte gaate jatay.
Us ki wo janay usay paas-e-wafa tha k na tha. . .
Tum faraz apni taraf se to nibhaate jatay!!

(Ahmad faraz: 1931-2008. The most famous poet after faiz ahmed faiz)

N. I. S. A. A. R

Everyone reminds his/her childhood because it has the memories
associated with it. Its considered as the age of carelessness when
kids have no big sorrows, secrets or worries. Same is with me. I had
interesting childhood. Those memories are unshakable. But there really
are some bad incidents linked with my early age.
We all the kids of that street used to play together. We always spent
our time together atleast once in a day although our schools, parents
and even sometimes languages were different. The most played game was
"daadi amman, daadi amman, chupan chupai (hide & seek), dark room,
kokla chapaaki, tip top, ankha macholi and barf pani. I remember other
names but those weren't played routine wise.
There were two houses in front of our home in street 5 of a very
famous road in the city. Light used to turn out because of daily load
shedding. And that was the time for all of us to play our games. We
were atleast 12 children. I remember i always had problem while
running fast due to my weight.
It was a trend at that time that the caretaker or the keeper used to
roam in streets all the night to guard the houses from theft and other
such problems. He had a whistle with him. And i always was so
attracted towards that. It was one of my biggest wishes to SEE and
TOUCH that heavenly whistle!! The reason is that the whistles
available at my school weren't that efficient. Its sound was very
high. And fortunately one day my wish was fulfilled. I really ACTUALLY
touched it. Millions of Thanks to hassan bhai who offered dinner to
that man and he stopped there for some time. I Saw it. It was exactly
upto my expectations. Nicely sharped, silver in color. I really liked
that but in trying it blow it, i realized that its the same like mine.
The difference lies in our own strength that how we blow it!!
That man was something extraordinary for me. In my thoughts, he was
not a normal human being. Must be a heavenly creature because he used
to guard all alone throughout the nights on his bicycle for just a
small amount of money. No matter it was summer or chilly cold winter.

and i always feared him but from that day, my fears were gone!!!

Once it happened a very big thing. We all were playing. The axe was
there. somewhere near us. Although i'm much scared from all types of
weapons, but truth is that i was strongly attracted towards that. Some
other kids too. I went and took it. Its weight was much more than my
assumed one. We all kids were standing in a group. There was so much
hustle bustle. The area was filled with us. There were no parents. The
eldest one was two year elder than me. We all weren't mature enough.
Many other kids tried to grab that axe from me by force and in the
meanwhile, it fell from my hands!!!
The falling of the axe wasn't a surprise or a news but it fell on
sid's arm making a deep cut was shocking for all of us. I held my
breaths. I really was motionless. I remember it exactly that i really
trembled with so much fear. I couldn't see the blood. It was bleeding
too fast.
I don't know who shouted that she has got a cut in her arm but she was
taken to the house of our neighbours. The reason was that someone
hurried towards that aunty and disclosed the news and she took her
inside. Sprinkled some powder on it. I ran too. I was crying just as
sid was crying. The news spreaded very fast. The elders from our home
reached there too.
I was shockingly more surprised to realize that everyone was blaming
someone else for the deed. And it was A. N. S. A. A. R. (ansaar). I
glanced at him. It was more shocking to know that he was admitting his
mistake!! Then i realized the fact that he's doing me a favor. His
mother was constantly telling no no ansar didn't do it. I remember she
was staring me again and again. But due to the reason that no one
actually knew what has happened, she couldn't convince everyone.
I remember the boy Ansaar. He was reading in some religious institute
to become haafiz-e-Quran. He used to always wear a cap. His sacrifice
was too much for me.
Sid was taken to the doctor and she healed soon although she still has
that mark on her arm.

I can never forget him. When i asked, he said never tell anyone that
it was slipped from your hands. And its only the first time today that
i've explained it openly. Otherwise only me and nisaar knew that. And
i still wish today that no one knows this true. . . .

Wakt guzar jaata he. . .

Rabia is my roommate. She often uses interesting examples to explain
different ideas. She's very good in arguing. I really like this habit
of her. Sometimes her words are strongly stuck in my brain. They get
embedded in my memory for ever one of them is: "waqt guzar jaata he,
baaten khari rehti hen"
Whenever i get hurt by someone, i think for hours on that issue. And
the extent to which i'm hurt is not always the same. It depends.
Sometimes i ignore very big issues and sometimes i get badly hurt on
something non-serious and very ignorable issue. The most striking
thing is the words. Actions come after words. In our daily life, the
words uttered by the people around us are very important.
Giving a smile, using good words, caring for the feelings of others
are the very sensitive issues. So we all should keep this line all the
time in our mind k "waqt guzar jata he, baaten kari rehti hen" i.e.
The time moves but the words remain there. Although both cannot be
brought back. The word once its uttered or the time once it has
passed. Its true that we can forget the situations but the strong
words used by someone always remain there. Everytime we remind them,
we get happy or hurt like first time!!
Its very important to keep our words under control that very difficult
for a person like me but these days i'm trying my best to keep a
strong check on whatever i say. . .